"Well, you have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I'm gonna prescribe you a pain killer now and we'll set you up with some disease modifying drugs next week. Here are your blood test and x-ray orders, so just take those downstairs and they'll get you in."
Three sentences just changed my life.
I don't think any 20-year-old woman really expects to be told they have arthritis. That's for people in their 80's who have lived a full life crawling around on the ground with their kids and baking cookies for their grandkids and spent hours and hours playing the piano and swinging hammers and lifting heavy things and all manner of other activities that use your joints. The people that earned arthritis by living a full life. At least that's kind of how I figured it worked. I mean, I'm 20... my hands are meant to be covered in shiny rings and brightly colored nail polish. They are meant to be held by some attractive man who plans to sweep me off my feet after graduation. Speaking of feet, those are meant to be squished into all manner of ridiculously cute shoes that no old woman could ever get away with wearing because they aren't orthopedic. They are not, however, meant to be so painful I can barely stand on... unless they're in some really stinkin hot stilettos. Just saying.
So what am I supposed to do with a diagnosis like that? This certainly was not part of my 10 year plan! How am I supposed to wrap my mind around the idea that pain, meds, and doctor's visits are going to be taking a prominent place on that color-coded iCal I mentioned in previous posts? I'll admit, the past few days have been full of some rather difficult mental gymnastics... apparently I'm not as flexible as I originally thought.
While I've been flipping and twisting and back hand-springing though, I keep coming back to the same spot: God is bigger than the boogie man... he's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV.... ok, so maybe I watched a little too much Veggie Tales as a kid, but I can't seem to get the idea out of my mind that we serve a REALLY BIG God. This RA diagnosis has been a huge blow to me, but my God, OUR God, is SO much bigger. If he wants to heal me, he can. End of story. RA is only a life-long disease... our God raised people from the dead. Um, HELLO! And if he doesn't heal me, it's not because he doesn't love me. Look at Jesus, he was beaten, starved, pierced, and killed (get it, he DIED). Oh, and need I mention that he was God's only son?! Talk about love! As Isaiah 55:8-9 reminds us, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I don't need to understand why God would put me in this situation or even how he's going to get me through it. I simply need to, nay get to, rest in the knowledge that HE LOVES ME.
So I didn't see this coming. Truth. That doesn't mean game over, it just means it's time for my TomTom to start "recalculating."
I'm not naive enough to think that this will always be easy. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes and I still fight to push myself up out of bed as pain shoots through my hands and wrists because I haven't taken my pain meds yet; it still hurts mentally, physically, and emotionally. The thing is that God never promised us an easy life, just the opposite in fact. The bible is full of verses warning us that this life will be HARD, but that's ok. This diagnosis has given me a whole new understanding of what Paul says in 2 Cor 12:9-10 'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more in my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.' Paul's a pretty cool dude and he has a lot of good stuff to say. (Side note: It's times like this that I wish I had a little "Pocket-sized Paul" action figure with a pull string or something to carry around with me. He'd give me all sorts of little reminders for when the going gets tough.)
Speaking of Paulisms, I want to close with one more. I want this to be my commitment through this whole RA thing, so please feel free to hold me to it!
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." ~1Thes. 5:16-17
So what am I supposed to do with a diagnosis like that? This certainly was not part of my 10 year plan! How am I supposed to wrap my mind around the idea that pain, meds, and doctor's visits are going to be taking a prominent place on that color-coded iCal I mentioned in previous posts? I'll admit, the past few days have been full of some rather difficult mental gymnastics... apparently I'm not as flexible as I originally thought.
While I've been flipping and twisting and back hand-springing though, I keep coming back to the same spot: God is bigger than the boogie man... he's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV.... ok, so maybe I watched a little too much Veggie Tales as a kid, but I can't seem to get the idea out of my mind that we serve a REALLY BIG God. This RA diagnosis has been a huge blow to me, but my God, OUR God, is SO much bigger. If he wants to heal me, he can. End of story. RA is only a life-long disease... our God raised people from the dead. Um, HELLO! And if he doesn't heal me, it's not because he doesn't love me. Look at Jesus, he was beaten, starved, pierced, and killed (get it, he DIED). Oh, and need I mention that he was God's only son?! Talk about love! As Isaiah 55:8-9 reminds us, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I don't need to understand why God would put me in this situation or even how he's going to get me through it. I simply need to, nay get to, rest in the knowledge that HE LOVES ME.
So I didn't see this coming. Truth. That doesn't mean game over, it just means it's time for my TomTom to start "recalculating."
I'm not naive enough to think that this will always be easy. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes and I still fight to push myself up out of bed as pain shoots through my hands and wrists because I haven't taken my pain meds yet; it still hurts mentally, physically, and emotionally. The thing is that God never promised us an easy life, just the opposite in fact. The bible is full of verses warning us that this life will be HARD, but that's ok. This diagnosis has given me a whole new understanding of what Paul says in 2 Cor 12:9-10 'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more in my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.' Paul's a pretty cool dude and he has a lot of good stuff to say. (Side note: It's times like this that I wish I had a little "Pocket-sized Paul" action figure with a pull string or something to carry around with me. He'd give me all sorts of little reminders for when the going gets tough.)
Speaking of Paulisms, I want to close with one more. I want this to be my commitment through this whole RA thing, so please feel free to hold me to it!
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." ~1Thes. 5:16-17
And this is one of the many reasons why I love Keri Kerns :) hang in there sister
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing writer (and person)! I'm praying for you and am proud of your response to all of this :) Miss you and love you
ReplyDeleteBeautiful response to a hard situation. We are so proud of you and pray that God will see fit to heal you speedily. As you say, He is sovereign and knows the best course of action for you and for your life. Love, Grandma K.
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