"I know that I tend to run from situations where I need God, and I think that is true of almost every one of us. It is safer to avoid situations where we need God to come through than to stake it all on Him and risk God's silence."
~Francis Chan Forgotten God
I am a control freak. My life is scheduled down to the color-coded minute on my iCal. I always volunteer to do the majority of the work on group projects because I worry it won't get done otherwise. I'm terrible at delegating because I can't guarantee it will be done the right way unless I do it myself. I purposely avoid doing things if I don't know that my chances of succeeding are high. I live an organized, successful, risk-free life. I have manipulated my life into a well oiled machine that runs on coffee and whips out good grades and funny one-liners without breaking a sweat. Then, at the iCal approved time, I meet with my mentor and complain that I can't see God moving in my life. Well DUH! He doesn't have room to squeeze into my day between coffee with my roommate, sign language club, and sleep. Not to mention that I bumped my meeting with my professor up into my normal "Jesus time"... I have effectively scheduled God out of my day.
To be completely honest, the times I allow myself to desperately need God are few and far between. The rest of the time I'm too busy trying to do life by myself. The thing I've realized lately is that the times I have been most at peace, the most fulfilled, have been the times I've been completely and utterly at the end of myself. Those times when there is literally nothing I can do to control the situation and therefore have no choice but to surrender to God's powerful plan. That is when life happens.
The problem is, no matter how many times God allows me to be broken so I can realize this truth, I always revert back to Keri-power as soon as my trail ends. And once I'm back in control, I forget how to trust God's power. It's a frustrating cycle and I constantly find myself berating myself for not trusting enough.
Brennan Manning addresses this very dilemma in Ruthless Trust. He explains how trust is not something we are capable of inventing or willing ourselves into. Instead it is something born of gratitude toward our Creator in all situations which is something we can control. He illustrates this point with a story about a woman in the hospital who can move only her arms and neck. When asked, she celebrated the movement of her arms and legs. When that was no longer possible she rejoiced in her ability to see and speak. And she said that once those were gone, she would just be glad to have visitors.
Reading that struck a chord in my heart. I was reminded how often I let myself be overwhelmed by coursework, roommate dilemmas, and work issues. I stress and complain and let them get me down. It wasn't until I read that story that I stopped to think that the only reason I was overwhelmed by coursework is because I have been blessed enough to attend a prestigious college. The only reason I have roommate dilemmas is because I am honored to have friends to live with. The only reason I have issues at work is because I'm fortunate enough to have a job at all. From that perspective, my issues don't seem like such a big deal, and if God was faithful enough to bring such wonderful gifts into my life in the first place, how can I doubt that he will be faithful still?
If you think about it, so much of our ability to trust is based on history. We trust a bank with our money because it has a long reputation of faithful financial service. We trust a babysitter with our children because they come recommended by other parents who have had positive experiences with them in the past. If someone has been reliable in the past, we assume they will continue to be trustworthy. Likewise, it is those who have let us down previously that we are unlikely to depend on in the future. But that doesn't seem to translate to our trust in God. In all my life, never once (EVER) has God let me down or failed to be faithful. And yet I still find myself struggling to trust that He will continue to be faithful. Instead I assume it's safer to trust myself, although I am far more prone to failure and shortcoming historically speaking. Funny how that works isn't it.
The fact of the matter is, God give good gifts. Now the difference between God's idea of good and our idea of good is a subject for another time and another blog, but the fact remains the same. All that remains is for us to be willing to accept and delight in the gifts He's offering. No strings attached. No hesitation.
