In the words of one of my kindred spirits, "It's been such a Jonah day, Marilla!"
Sometimes life just brings you to your knees... again... and again... and again. And to be honest, I'm starting to realize (again) that this isn't such a bad place to be.
Disclaimer: Those of you who have taken the time to read any part of this blog before have no doubt noticed my trend of hitting the proverbial wall and bouncing off with some big epiphany about God's great faithfulness, so I just wanted to inform you that this one is no different. In fact, this trend totally supports my point from above, that being brought to my knees isn't such a bad thing after all because it brings me to a point of remembrance and reliance.
Disclaimer done. Now let me set the stage... I'm coming to you today with a broken heart. I've been knocked around by classes and illness (my own and those of people close to me), I've said goodbye to a very special relationship, and I've cried my fair share of tears. It's been a rough few weeks.
In chapel last week we had a speaker come and speak on "The Will of God"... he was phenomenal. He had lots of wonderful things to say and all of them spoke directly to my wounded heart, but I just want to touch on a few. (If you want to watch them all, which I highly recommend, they can be found here. Just look up Mike Breaux Oct 31, Nov 1, and Nov 2) He spent his second of the three days talking about Joseph. It's a story I'd heard many times before, but Mike pointed out something I hadn't taken the time to consider before... God never abandoned Joseph (duh), but neither did Joseph abandon God. I can't imagine what that would be like, God calling you up and saying "Hey, I'm going to make you a mighty ruler. Just thought you should know!" and you get all excited and start polishing your crown and next thing you know, you're in a pit. Don't worry, you get out of that but then you're a slave... and then there's that one woman that tries to rape you... and not to mention that jail time and the guys that could get you out of there forgetting all about you. I mean, I 'd be a little frustrated at this point. I imagine my monologue going something like this, "Hey God... it's me, Keri. I doubt you remember me, I mean I've been kind of off the grid for a while. I tried to keep in touch and all but cell reception doesn't work so well when you're in a PIT... and then my slave drivers revoked my email privileges. Can you believe those guys? Seriously though God, what are you doing here? Is this some kind of sick joke? I hope you're getting a good laugh, because I seem to have missed the punch line. Forget this! At least the rats remember to come visit me every once in a while!" And sure, maybe Joseph was a little frustrated himself... but he remained faithful. As a slave, he worked hard and got the job done. In prison, he ministered to the other guys on the block, and even when things finally did go as God told him they would, he extended grace to his brothers. Talk about using where you're at to live for God's glory!
So as I thought about Joseph, and about Mike's first message where he talked about how God's will has a lot more to do with who we are becoming then it does with where we're going or what we're doing next, I realized that I don't want to waste this opportunity. Two weeks ago, things were going pretty great. Things were right on track as far as I was concerned and I was happy. I knew how to seek and serve God in that place. I knew how to love him in that place. I knew how to rejoice in that place. And then I left that place. I got relocated, and not by any choice of my own. That was rough. But now I do have a choice to make. I can sit and mope and cry in the fetal position, or I can learn to adapt. I can learn how to seek and serve God here. I can can love him here. I can rejoice here. And in so doing I can find joy here, even in the midst of my heartache. It doesn't end there though! The best part, my absolute favorite, is that when I seek that joy, that love in all circumstances, I get to be at the mercy of God's plan... and what that usually means is getting to be the right person who is in the right place at the right time.
This is all great, but you know what? None of this means that my heart isn't broken right now. It still hurts and there are still days when it's really hard not to cry. What it DOES mean is that my heart is abundantly full. And you want to know the really cool thing? A full broken heart is like a broken dam, it can't stop overflowing. That big crack running through my heart is the perfect size to let love overflow to all those around me, and isn't that why I was placed here? Am I not here, in this place, in this situation, in this moment, for such a time as this?
Yeah, I think so too.
