In the words of one of my kindred spirits, "It's been such a Jonah day, Marilla!"
Sometimes life just brings you to your knees... again... and again... and again. And to be honest, I'm starting to realize (again) that this isn't such a bad place to be.
Disclaimer: Those of you who have taken the time to read any part of this blog before have no doubt noticed my trend of hitting the proverbial wall and bouncing off with some big epiphany about God's great faithfulness, so I just wanted to inform you that this one is no different. In fact, this trend totally supports my point from above, that being brought to my knees isn't such a bad thing after all because it brings me to a point of remembrance and reliance.
Disclaimer done. Now let me set the stage... I'm coming to you today with a broken heart. I've been knocked around by classes and illness (my own and those of people close to me), I've said goodbye to a very special relationship, and I've cried my fair share of tears. It's been a rough few weeks.
In chapel last week we had a speaker come and speak on "The Will of God"... he was phenomenal. He had lots of wonderful things to say and all of them spoke directly to my wounded heart, but I just want to touch on a few. (If you want to watch them all, which I highly recommend, they can be found here. Just look up Mike Breaux Oct 31, Nov 1, and Nov 2) He spent his second of the three days talking about Joseph. It's a story I'd heard many times before, but Mike pointed out something I hadn't taken the time to consider before... God never abandoned Joseph (duh), but neither did Joseph abandon God. I can't imagine what that would be like, God calling you up and saying "Hey, I'm going to make you a mighty ruler. Just thought you should know!" and you get all excited and start polishing your crown and next thing you know, you're in a pit. Don't worry, you get out of that but then you're a slave... and then there's that one woman that tries to rape you... and not to mention that jail time and the guys that could get you out of there forgetting all about you. I mean, I 'd be a little frustrated at this point. I imagine my monologue going something like this, "Hey God... it's me, Keri. I doubt you remember me, I mean I've been kind of off the grid for a while. I tried to keep in touch and all but cell reception doesn't work so well when you're in a PIT... and then my slave drivers revoked my email privileges. Can you believe those guys? Seriously though God, what are you doing here? Is this some kind of sick joke? I hope you're getting a good laugh, because I seem to have missed the punch line. Forget this! At least the rats remember to come visit me every once in a while!" And sure, maybe Joseph was a little frustrated himself... but he remained faithful. As a slave, he worked hard and got the job done. In prison, he ministered to the other guys on the block, and even when things finally did go as God told him they would, he extended grace to his brothers. Talk about using where you're at to live for God's glory!
So as I thought about Joseph, and about Mike's first message where he talked about how God's will has a lot more to do with who we are becoming then it does with where we're going or what we're doing next, I realized that I don't want to waste this opportunity. Two weeks ago, things were going pretty great. Things were right on track as far as I was concerned and I was happy. I knew how to seek and serve God in that place. I knew how to love him in that place. I knew how to rejoice in that place. And then I left that place. I got relocated, and not by any choice of my own. That was rough. But now I do have a choice to make. I can sit and mope and cry in the fetal position, or I can learn to adapt. I can learn how to seek and serve God here. I can can love him here. I can rejoice here. And in so doing I can find joy here, even in the midst of my heartache. It doesn't end there though! The best part, my absolute favorite, is that when I seek that joy, that love in all circumstances, I get to be at the mercy of God's plan... and what that usually means is getting to be the right person who is in the right place at the right time.
This is all great, but you know what? None of this means that my heart isn't broken right now. It still hurts and there are still days when it's really hard not to cry. What it DOES mean is that my heart is abundantly full. And you want to know the really cool thing? A full broken heart is like a broken dam, it can't stop overflowing. That big crack running through my heart is the perfect size to let love overflow to all those around me, and isn't that why I was placed here? Am I not here, in this place, in this situation, in this moment, for such a time as this?
Yeah, I think so too.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Double-Sided Disaster
Murphy's Law of Printers: they will NEVER (EVER) work when you are on a deadline. **Special note: the bigger the printer, the more disastrous it's failure.
The printer at work will hereby and henceforth be referred to as "evil incarnate" or "EI" for short. It's one of those massive machines that prints, copies, staples, juggles, eats first born children... you know, the whole shebang, and it has (as of yesterday) waged a full out war against my sanity. It started acting up around 7 that evening when a lady asked me for help with a job she was trying to print. We worked on it over the course of a couple hours and eventually got her job to print, but I am convinced that this was all some mind game EI was playing with me to build my confidence before it was shattered completely.
About half an hour before I was supposed to close down the lab, a lady came needing to make a few copies and to print out over a hundred page document. Shortly after I'd sent her on her way with instructions on how to work the printer, she was back asking me for help. I was feeling pretty confident about my printer skills so I swaggered into the lab like I was in charge as EI belched out a copy/scan sound that I now realize was it's own private form of maniacal laughter. It had accepted my unintentional challenge.
An hour later, my frustrated customer had returned to her room and I was left staring at the gloating printer, all but begging it to print. I had promised the lady that I would do my best to have her document ready at the desk for her when she came down in the morning. EI was quick to remind me that it made no such promise. I resigned myself to letting EI sit by itself all night and think about what it had done to me and resolved to return in the morning to exact my vengeance.
Bright and early I was back on the job. I finally figured out how to get copies made and I gloated proudly with my hand full of warm black and white pages as the lady knocked on the computer lab door and made her entrance. Confident that EI had come to its senses, I showed her how to send her job the printer. I crossed my fingers, held my breath, and NOTHING happened. Not even the laugh disguised as a warming-up sound! We tried several more times before the very upset woman turned to me and announced that she had places to be and she needed this fixed so that she would have her document in time for her meeting. I apologized profusely and promised to do my best to get her job printed as she announced her displeasure to everyone we passed.
After she left, I called every supervisor, boss, and office manager I had a phone number for. I contacted tech support, printer support, and emotional support. A technician came to work on the printer while I sent the document to another building to be printed and made arrangements for it to be delivered to the desk before the lady returned. I held the stack of papers and breathed a deep sigh of relief as a feeling of accomplishment washed over me. I called the lady up and informed her that her papers were waiting for her. She picked up her document with a smile that showed the same feeling of relief I was reveling in and she hurried away to her room.
The relief was short-lived though. She returned to the desk 10 minutes later and asked one simple question that changed everything, "Is there a reason you printed my papers double-sided?" Thinking she was pleasantly surprised, I happily informed her that must have been the printer was preset to save paper. She looked at me, shook her head, and said, I needed it to be single-sided. I stumbled over myself apologetically and told her I would see what I could do to fix it but she shook her head and said it was too late as she walked out the door. I felt about two inches tall. I turned to look at my co-worker and said, "Can I take my 15 minute break now to go cry in the closet?"
Sadly, this story doesn't have a happy ending, but it does have a moral. Sometimes we just need to learn a lesson in grace. Grace for others who make us feel incompetent yes, but also grace for ourselves. Lets be honest, I'm not a technician, there is literally nothing I could have done (short of taking a baseball bat to the stupid thing and even the benefits of that are debatable) to fix this problem. I had no way of knowing that the printer in the other building would print things double-sided, or that that would even be an issue to begin with. I did everything I could to make that situation work out, but I'm not perfect and sometimes I fail, and that's ok. God loves me anyway, despite my (many) shortcomings. AND, if He can forgive me mine, then I can forgive her hers. What goes around comes around right? So if any of ya'll ever find me in a computer room threatening a large piece of equipment with a louisville slugger, just kindly remove the wooden club from my hand and cut me some slack ok? Much obliged.
The printer at work will hereby and henceforth be referred to as "evil incarnate" or "EI" for short. It's one of those massive machines that prints, copies, staples, juggles, eats first born children... you know, the whole shebang, and it has (as of yesterday) waged a full out war against my sanity. It started acting up around 7 that evening when a lady asked me for help with a job she was trying to print. We worked on it over the course of a couple hours and eventually got her job to print, but I am convinced that this was all some mind game EI was playing with me to build my confidence before it was shattered completely.
About half an hour before I was supposed to close down the lab, a lady came needing to make a few copies and to print out over a hundred page document. Shortly after I'd sent her on her way with instructions on how to work the printer, she was back asking me for help. I was feeling pretty confident about my printer skills so I swaggered into the lab like I was in charge as EI belched out a copy/scan sound that I now realize was it's own private form of maniacal laughter. It had accepted my unintentional challenge.
An hour later, my frustrated customer had returned to her room and I was left staring at the gloating printer, all but begging it to print. I had promised the lady that I would do my best to have her document ready at the desk for her when she came down in the morning. EI was quick to remind me that it made no such promise. I resigned myself to letting EI sit by itself all night and think about what it had done to me and resolved to return in the morning to exact my vengeance.
Bright and early I was back on the job. I finally figured out how to get copies made and I gloated proudly with my hand full of warm black and white pages as the lady knocked on the computer lab door and made her entrance. Confident that EI had come to its senses, I showed her how to send her job the printer. I crossed my fingers, held my breath, and NOTHING happened. Not even the laugh disguised as a warming-up sound! We tried several more times before the very upset woman turned to me and announced that she had places to be and she needed this fixed so that she would have her document in time for her meeting. I apologized profusely and promised to do my best to get her job printed as she announced her displeasure to everyone we passed.
After she left, I called every supervisor, boss, and office manager I had a phone number for. I contacted tech support, printer support, and emotional support. A technician came to work on the printer while I sent the document to another building to be printed and made arrangements for it to be delivered to the desk before the lady returned. I held the stack of papers and breathed a deep sigh of relief as a feeling of accomplishment washed over me. I called the lady up and informed her that her papers were waiting for her. She picked up her document with a smile that showed the same feeling of relief I was reveling in and she hurried away to her room.
The relief was short-lived though. She returned to the desk 10 minutes later and asked one simple question that changed everything, "Is there a reason you printed my papers double-sided?" Thinking she was pleasantly surprised, I happily informed her that must have been the printer was preset to save paper. She looked at me, shook her head, and said, I needed it to be single-sided. I stumbled over myself apologetically and told her I would see what I could do to fix it but she shook her head and said it was too late as she walked out the door. I felt about two inches tall. I turned to look at my co-worker and said, "Can I take my 15 minute break now to go cry in the closet?"
Sadly, this story doesn't have a happy ending, but it does have a moral. Sometimes we just need to learn a lesson in grace. Grace for others who make us feel incompetent yes, but also grace for ourselves. Lets be honest, I'm not a technician, there is literally nothing I could have done (short of taking a baseball bat to the stupid thing and even the benefits of that are debatable) to fix this problem. I had no way of knowing that the printer in the other building would print things double-sided, or that that would even be an issue to begin with. I did everything I could to make that situation work out, but I'm not perfect and sometimes I fail, and that's ok. God loves me anyway, despite my (many) shortcomings. AND, if He can forgive me mine, then I can forgive her hers. What goes around comes around right? So if any of ya'll ever find me in a computer room threatening a large piece of equipment with a louisville slugger, just kindly remove the wooden club from my hand and cut me some slack ok? Much obliged.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Lessons from a Hornet: Built to Last
So today I got a text from my dad informing me that I have been leaving his good friend Wayne hanging since I haven't posted in 3 months. Time to fix that! So Wayne, this one's for you.
This summer I 'm working at my college, rather than spending the summer at home, and I have been very blessed by some old family friends who have invited me to live with them for the summer. I'm comfortably situated in a cute little room above their garage and I really couldn't ask for a better set up. In fact, I was so comfortable the other day that I almost didn't notice the monstrous hornet chilling on my bottle of make-up remover. I was getting ready for bed and was about to take out my contacts and was reaching for my bottle of solution when I noticed the menacing flying attacker no more than 3 inches from my hand. No worries, I managed not to scream my head off... barely.
For about 2 minutes, I panicked. I'm actually a little disappointed that there was nobody there to witness what followed because I'm pretty certain it looked like something from a cartoon. I literally ran around my little room in circles, flailing my arms, looking for random objects to entrap the beast with, all while attempting to keep an eye on the insect in case it decided to make a kamikaze dive at me. Keep in mind, I was extremely tired when all this was going on, so I can't be held (entirely) responsible for my intense overreaction.
Finally I settled on tossing a bandana over both the villain and it's perch, securing the loose ends with a hair band, and bashing it repeatedly into the floor from all angles. When I still heard it's wings buzzing pathetically like a fly in a bug light, I decided it was better not to take chances and started pounding the whole bundle with both of my tennis shoes. I waged a full out war on that little blue package... I even created a battle cry. Again, I'm realizing now what a pity it is that I was alone for all of this.
About 15 minutes after spotting the terror, I was finally satisfied that I had succeeded in my mission. Untying the hairband, I flung the bandana open on the floor. Out rolled my (dented) bottle of make-up remover, but the corpse was nowhere to be seen. I stretched out the bandana a little bit more and then jumped back in terror. There in the middle of my bandana, a very large, very alive, and probably very angry hornet was marching across the paisleys toward me.
Biting my lip to keep from screaming, I folded up the bandana again, proceeded to roll over the whole thing with shoes, rolled the whole thing up tight, tied it off, doused it heavily in liquid, and threw it away. That should have done the trick right? Well this was last night and I just looked in the trash this evening (to pour more water on it to be honest) and I'm 99% positive I saw that bandana moving.
So what has any of this got to do with anything, other than giving all of you a reason to laugh at my sheer terror over something about half the size of my pinky? Allow me to explain. If you've read any portion of my blog before, you know full well that God likes to use times of fear and hardship in my life to teach me important lessons, so why should this be any different? As I was driving today I was reflecting on that freakishly durable bug and I realized that God makes things that are built to last. Now don't go getting all technical on me, I know that lots of things in creation are a lot easier to kill/ruin/demolish/dispose of then that flying fiend (thank goodness) but allow me to explain what I mean.
This year has been a difficult one. My battle with arthritis has not been easy, especially over the last month of the school year. I've had some heartbreak, and I've watched people close to me fight illness and death. I've struggled academically, and I've fought off exhaustion as I worked 4 jobs in addition to a full class load. I've been sick, I've been tired, I've been in pain, and I've been frustrated... but I didn't die. Sure, my bandana has been smashed around a bit and I've gone a couple rounds with a plastic bottle full of weird smelling liquid, but I haven't curled up and buzzed my last. I've regained my bearings and marched on. Think of 2 Cor 4:8-10
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."
Now this will probably be the only time you ever hear me compare myself to a gargantuan bubble-butted stinging insect, but you have to admit that there is a resemblance in our situations. My point is this, God's not messing around. You've heard about "built Ford tough," but that has nothing on God's warranty. We don't have to fear the bandanas and tennis shoes of life, even the make-up removers have nothing on us, because we have a God that knew what He was doing when He made us. We come with a lifetime warranty, and we were built to last.
This summer I 'm working at my college, rather than spending the summer at home, and I have been very blessed by some old family friends who have invited me to live with them for the summer. I'm comfortably situated in a cute little room above their garage and I really couldn't ask for a better set up. In fact, I was so comfortable the other day that I almost didn't notice the monstrous hornet chilling on my bottle of make-up remover. I was getting ready for bed and was about to take out my contacts and was reaching for my bottle of solution when I noticed the menacing flying attacker no more than 3 inches from my hand. No worries, I managed not to scream my head off... barely.
For about 2 minutes, I panicked. I'm actually a little disappointed that there was nobody there to witness what followed because I'm pretty certain it looked like something from a cartoon. I literally ran around my little room in circles, flailing my arms, looking for random objects to entrap the beast with, all while attempting to keep an eye on the insect in case it decided to make a kamikaze dive at me. Keep in mind, I was extremely tired when all this was going on, so I can't be held (entirely) responsible for my intense overreaction.
Finally I settled on tossing a bandana over both the villain and it's perch, securing the loose ends with a hair band, and bashing it repeatedly into the floor from all angles. When I still heard it's wings buzzing pathetically like a fly in a bug light, I decided it was better not to take chances and started pounding the whole bundle with both of my tennis shoes. I waged a full out war on that little blue package... I even created a battle cry. Again, I'm realizing now what a pity it is that I was alone for all of this.
About 15 minutes after spotting the terror, I was finally satisfied that I had succeeded in my mission. Untying the hairband, I flung the bandana open on the floor. Out rolled my (dented) bottle of make-up remover, but the corpse was nowhere to be seen. I stretched out the bandana a little bit more and then jumped back in terror. There in the middle of my bandana, a very large, very alive, and probably very angry hornet was marching across the paisleys toward me.
Biting my lip to keep from screaming, I folded up the bandana again, proceeded to roll over the whole thing with shoes, rolled the whole thing up tight, tied it off, doused it heavily in liquid, and threw it away. That should have done the trick right? Well this was last night and I just looked in the trash this evening (to pour more water on it to be honest) and I'm 99% positive I saw that bandana moving.
So what has any of this got to do with anything, other than giving all of you a reason to laugh at my sheer terror over something about half the size of my pinky? Allow me to explain. If you've read any portion of my blog before, you know full well that God likes to use times of fear and hardship in my life to teach me important lessons, so why should this be any different? As I was driving today I was reflecting on that freakishly durable bug and I realized that God makes things that are built to last. Now don't go getting all technical on me, I know that lots of things in creation are a lot easier to kill/ruin/demolish/dispose of then that flying fiend (thank goodness) but allow me to explain what I mean.
This year has been a difficult one. My battle with arthritis has not been easy, especially over the last month of the school year. I've had some heartbreak, and I've watched people close to me fight illness and death. I've struggled academically, and I've fought off exhaustion as I worked 4 jobs in addition to a full class load. I've been sick, I've been tired, I've been in pain, and I've been frustrated... but I didn't die. Sure, my bandana has been smashed around a bit and I've gone a couple rounds with a plastic bottle full of weird smelling liquid, but I haven't curled up and buzzed my last. I've regained my bearings and marched on. Think of 2 Cor 4:8-10
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."
Now this will probably be the only time you ever hear me compare myself to a gargantuan bubble-butted stinging insect, but you have to admit that there is a resemblance in our situations. My point is this, God's not messing around. You've heard about "built Ford tough," but that has nothing on God's warranty. We don't have to fear the bandanas and tennis shoes of life, even the make-up removers have nothing on us, because we have a God that knew what He was doing when He made us. We come with a lifetime warranty, and we were built to last.
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