Lessons from a Hornet: Built to Last

So today I got a text from my dad informing me that I have been leaving his good friend Wayne hanging since I haven't posted in 3 months. Time to fix that! So Wayne, this one's for you.

This summer I 'm working at my college, rather than spending the summer at home, and I have been very blessed by some old family friends who have invited me to live with them for the summer. I'm comfortably situated in a cute little room above their garage and I really couldn't ask for a better set up. In fact, I was so comfortable the other day that I almost didn't notice the monstrous hornet chilling on my bottle of make-up remover. I was getting ready for bed and was about to take out my contacts and was reaching for my bottle of solution when I noticed the menacing flying attacker no more than 3 inches from my hand. No worries, I managed not to scream my head off... barely.

For about 2 minutes, I panicked. I'm actually a little disappointed that there was nobody there to witness what followed because I'm pretty certain it looked like something from a cartoon. I literally ran around my little room in circles, flailing my arms, looking for random objects to entrap the beast with, all while attempting to keep an eye on the insect in case it decided to make a kamikaze dive at me. Keep in mind, I was extremely tired when all this was going on, so I can't be held (entirely) responsible for my intense overreaction.

Finally I settled on tossing a bandana over both the villain and it's perch, securing the loose ends with a hair band, and bashing it repeatedly into the floor from all angles. When I still heard it's wings buzzing pathetically like a fly in a bug light, I decided it was better not to take chances and started pounding the whole bundle with both of my tennis shoes. I waged a full out war on that little blue package... I even created a battle cry. Again, I'm realizing now what a pity it is that I was alone for all of this.

About 15 minutes after spotting the terror, I was finally satisfied that I had succeeded in my mission. Untying the hairband, I flung the bandana open on the floor. Out rolled my (dented) bottle of make-up remover, but the corpse was nowhere to be seen. I stretched out the bandana a little bit more and then jumped back in terror. There in the middle of my bandana, a very large, very alive, and probably very angry hornet was marching across the paisleys toward me.

Biting my lip to keep from screaming, I folded up the bandana again, proceeded to roll over the whole thing with shoes, rolled the whole thing up tight, tied it off, doused it heavily in liquid, and threw it away. That should have done the trick right? Well this was last night and I just looked in the trash this evening (to pour more water on it to be honest) and I'm 99% positive I saw that bandana moving.

So what has any of this got to do with anything, other than giving all of you a reason to laugh at my sheer terror over something about half the size of my pinky? Allow me to explain. If you've read any portion of my blog before, you know full well that God likes to use times of fear and hardship in my life to teach me important lessons, so why should this be any different? As I was driving today I was reflecting on that freakishly durable bug and I realized that God makes things that are built to last. Now don't go getting all technical on me, I know that lots of things in creation are a lot easier to kill/ruin/demolish/dispose of then that flying fiend (thank goodness) but allow me to explain what I mean.

This year has been a difficult one. My battle with arthritis has not been easy, especially over the last month of the school year. I've had some heartbreak, and I've watched people close to me fight illness and death. I've struggled academically, and I've fought off exhaustion as I worked 4 jobs in addition to a full class load. I've been sick, I've been tired, I've been in pain, and I've been frustrated... but I didn't die. Sure, my bandana has been smashed around a bit and I've gone a couple rounds with a plastic bottle full of weird smelling liquid, but I haven't curled up and buzzed my last. I've regained my bearings and marched on. Think of 2 Cor 4:8-10
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

Now this will probably be the only time you ever hear me compare myself to a gargantuan bubble-butted stinging insect, but you have to admit that there is a resemblance in our situations. My point is this, God's not messing around. You've heard about "built Ford tough," but that has nothing on God's warranty. We don't have to fear the bandanas and tennis shoes of life, even the make-up removers have nothing on us, because we have a God that knew what He was doing when He made us. We come with a lifetime warranty, and we were built to last.

New in the Morning

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23 

Unexpected Blessings and Surprising Grace

I am so blessed. 


Really though, it's unbelievable  how much grace has been poured over my life recently. Pretty much nothing this year has turned out like I expected it to, but it has been far greater than I could have imagined.


Coming into my junior year of college, I had a lot of expectations. I was going to clear out my busy schedule (say bye-bye iCal) and make lots of room because I was going to be the student director of orientation committee. I'd gotten a promotion at work so I was going to "upgrade" from the 6 am shift to the afternoon a couple days a week, 3 ideally. I was going to dominate my classes and basically run the school because I was an upperclassmen but I didn't have to worry about the scary "real world" looming as graduation neared. Most importantly, I was NOT, under any circumstances, going to think about men. Period.


Hear God laughing? Yeah, me too.


OC Student Director: Rejected
Work: 3-6 Monday-Friday... bye-bye afternoons :(
Classes: dominated me... ouch
Scary Real World: one word... internships


One by one, those things I planned on fell through. But you know what? I'm SO glad they did because God had a far better plan for my year.


I look forward to going to work... every single afternoon. Why? Because it is life-giving. I have been blessed with one of the world's most incredible bosses. At the beginning of my shift it takes me about 20 minutes to walk the 15 feet from the time clock to the front desk where I work because my boss stops me half way there to ask how my day is going and to encourage me through the array of curve-balls life has thrown me lately. And that's just the beginning. After I talk to my boss, I get to spend the next 3 hours talking with with my coworkers about what God is doing in their lives, encouraging them and being encouraged. I cannot imagine a better college job.


Getting rejected for OC student director was hard, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wanted it, oh man did I want it, and I reformatted my entire year to work around it. It's like I had a life liquidation and my motto was "Everything MUST Go!" THEN, I got the rejection letter. Talk about something to take the wind out of your sails! Now I had all this free time and nothing to do with it. Or so I thought...


Less than a month later I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (see previous post) and had to start reevaluating life again. But you know what? I had all this free time to schedule doctor's appointments and take blood tests and I didn't have all the added stress of running to meetings and planning interviews and all manner of other time commitments that I would have had if I didn't clear out my schedule. God knew what he was doing though and he used my plan for OC to facilitate his plan instead. Man he's good at logistics! 


I still had all this free time though... and found myself surprisingly lonely. But never fear, God had a plan for that too, and his name was Jake :) To those of you who don't know him, this is a  man you need to meet! He's an incredible man of God and one of the biggest unexpected blessings of my year. If you've read my recent posts, you know that I would have NEVER seen this one coming, especially since I swore off men this year ;) but like I said, God's got a sense of humor... and impeccable timing.


So basically, God knows what we want but he gives us what we need. And that is a VERY good thing.

Joints, Gymnastics, and a Pocket-Sized Paul

"Well, you have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I'm gonna prescribe you a pain killer now and we'll set you up with some disease modifying drugs next week. Here are your blood test and x-ray orders, so just take those downstairs and they'll get you in."

Three sentences just changed my life.

I don't think any 20-year-old woman really expects to be told they have arthritis. That's for people in their 80's who have lived a full life crawling around on the ground with their kids and baking cookies for their grandkids and spent hours and hours playing the piano and swinging hammers and lifting heavy things and all manner of other activities that use your joints. The people that earned arthritis by living a full life. At least that's kind of how I figured it worked. I mean, I'm 20... my hands are meant to be covered in shiny rings and brightly colored nail polish. They are meant to be held by some attractive man who plans to sweep me off my feet after graduation. Speaking of feet, those are meant to be squished into all manner of ridiculously cute shoes that no old woman could ever get away with wearing because they aren't orthopedic. They are not, however, meant to be so painful I can barely stand on... unless they're in some really stinkin hot stilettos. Just saying.

So what am I supposed to do with a diagnosis like that? This certainly was not part of my 10 year plan! How am I supposed to wrap my mind around the idea that pain, meds, and doctor's visits are going to be taking a prominent place on that color-coded iCal I mentioned in previous posts? I'll admit, the past few days have been full of some rather difficult mental gymnastics... apparently I'm not as flexible as I originally thought.

While I've been flipping and twisting and back hand-springing though, I keep coming back to the same spot: God is bigger than the boogie man... he's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV.... ok, so maybe I watched a little too much Veggie Tales as a kid, but I can't seem to get the idea out of my mind that we serve a REALLY BIG God. This RA diagnosis has been a huge blow to me, but my God, OUR God, is SO much bigger. If he wants to heal me, he can. End of story. RA is only a life-long disease... our God raised people from the dead. Um, HELLO! And if he doesn't heal me, it's not because he doesn't love me. Look at Jesus, he was beaten, starved, pierced, and killed (get it, he DIED). Oh, and need I mention that he was God's only son?! Talk about love! As Isaiah 55:8-9 reminds us, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I don't need to understand why God would put me in this situation or even how he's going to get me through it. I simply need to, nay get to, rest in the knowledge that HE LOVES ME.

So I didn't see this coming. Truth. That doesn't mean game over, it just means it's time for my TomTom to start "recalculating."

I'm not naive enough to think that this will always be easy. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes and I still fight to push myself up out of bed as pain shoots through my hands and wrists because I haven't taken my pain meds yet; it still hurts mentally, physically, and emotionally. The thing is that God never promised us an easy life, just the opposite in fact. The bible is full of verses warning us that this life will be HARD, but that's ok. This diagnosis has given me a whole new understanding of what Paul says in 2 Cor 12:9-10 'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more in my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.' Paul's a pretty cool dude and he has a lot of good stuff to say. (Side note: It's times like this that I wish I had a little "Pocket-sized Paul" action figure with a pull string or something to carry around with me. He'd give me all sorts of little reminders for when the going gets tough.)

Speaking of Paulisms, I want to close with one more. I want this to be my commitment through this whole RA thing, so please feel free to hold me to it!
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." ~1Thes. 5:16-17

Keri vs Cooked Carrots

You know what would be great? If life went according to plan.


I mean, I didn't plan to be in pain all the time. I certainly didn't plan to mess up the most important class of my major. I didn't plan to be single this long. I didn't plan to watch close friendships slip away. But like the Joker in "The Dark Knight" says... nobody panics when it all goes according to plan.


It's like cooked carrots. Growing up, I HATED cooked carrots. They tasted gross and had an even worse texture. My parents must have gotten endless pleasure out of watching my face contort into the most grotesque expressions imaginable because my mom made them constantly... or so it seemed to my childhood mind. She was also big on other tortures such as vitamins, regular showers, and a regular bedtime. The indecency of it. It was so inconsiderate to my intended plans. I had it all figured out... I would eat pizza every night (plain cheese please) supplemented occasionally by McDonald's happy meals, the only vitamin's I would eat were the ones they snuck into my sugary breakfast cereal under a think coat of high fructose corn syrup, I would shower only in the sprinkler when it was warm enough, and I would stay up all night playing with my barbie dolls. When things didn't go according to my plan, I panicked. I fought my bedtime off like a knight in shining armor fought a dragon. I disposed of my vitamins in the bushes that would make a treasure-hiding pirate proud (all though I think I might not have made my X-marks-the-spot discreet enough because somehow mom caught me), and I thought of every excuse possible not to eat those carrots. If life had gone according to my plan though, I would be an elementary school drop out from sleeping through all my classes, my internal organs would be rotting away, and I probably wouldn't have any teeth. Not to mention I would have horrible vision because I refused to eat my cooked carrots (and now we know why Keri wears contacts...). Ultimately though, mom's plan won and my story turned out far differently. I graduated second in my class with a full set of sparkling white teeth and all my internal organs in tact. She knew what I needed had to come before what I wanted.


I think a lot of times I treat God's plan for me like the cooked carrot's on my plate at supper time. I don't want to touch them with a 10 foot pole much less put them into my body, but ultimately they are what I need to grow. Sometimes God's plans for me include things that hurt, or that are difficult, but the end goal is much greater than just seeing me make a funny face as I try to choke them down. His ends are beautiful, but even the most beautiful gold had to be refined through fire and the shiniest silver had to be cleansed of it's tarnish. The most elegant sculpture had to be molded and cut and fired before it was finished.


Our lives are a process of growing, shaping, learning, adjusting, and trusting... of eating those carrots.

Chasing Doubt

We need not exert ourselves and try to force ourselves to believe, or try to chase doubt out of our hearts. Both are just as useless. It begins to dawn on us that we can bring every thing to Jesus, not matter how difficult it is; and we need not be frightened away by our doubts or our weak faith, but only tell Jesus how weak our faith is. We have let Jesus into our hearts. And He will fulfill our heart's desires.

~~O. Hallesby

Strategy of Surrender

"I know that I tend to run from situations where I need God, and I think that is true of almost every one of us. It is safer to avoid situations where we need God to come through than to stake it all on Him and risk God's silence."

~Francis Chan Forgotten God

I am a control freak. My life is scheduled down to the color-coded minute on my iCal. I always volunteer to do the majority of the work on group projects because I worry it won't get done otherwise. I'm terrible at delegating because I can't guarantee it will be done the right way unless I do it myself. I purposely  avoid doing things if I don't know that my chances of succeeding are high. I live an organized, successful, risk-free life. I have manipulated my life into a well oiled machine that runs on coffee and whips out good grades and funny one-liners without breaking a sweat. Then, at the iCal approved time, I meet with my mentor and complain that I can't see God moving in my life. Well DUH! He doesn't have room to squeeze into my day between coffee with my roommate, sign language club, and sleep. Not to mention that I bumped my meeting with my professor up into my normal "Jesus time"... I have effectively scheduled God out of my day.

To be completely honest, the times I allow myself to desperately need God are few and far between. The rest of the time I'm too busy trying to do life by myself. The thing I've realized lately is that the times I have been most at peace, the most fulfilled, have been the times I've been completely and utterly at the end of myself. Those times when there is literally nothing I can do to control the situation and therefore have no choice but to surrender to God's powerful plan. That is when life happens. 

The problem is, no matter how many times God allows me to be broken so I can realize this truth, I always revert back to Keri-power as soon as my trail ends.  And once I'm back in control, I forget how to trust God's power. It's a frustrating cycle and I constantly find myself berating myself for not trusting enough.

Brennan Manning addresses this very dilemma in Ruthless Trust. He explains how trust is not something we are capable of inventing or willing ourselves into. Instead it is something born of gratitude toward our Creator in all situations which is something we can control. He illustrates this point with a story about a woman in the hospital who can move only her arms and neck. When asked, she celebrated the movement of her arms and legs. When that was no longer possible she rejoiced in her ability to see and speak. And she said that once those were gone, she would just be glad to have visitors. 

Reading that struck a chord in my heart. I was reminded how often I let myself be overwhelmed by coursework, roommate dilemmas, and work issues. I stress and complain and let them get me down. It wasn't until I read that story that I stopped to think that the only reason I was overwhelmed by coursework is because I have been blessed enough to attend a prestigious college. The only reason I have roommate dilemmas is because I am honored to have friends to live with. The only reason I have issues at work is because I'm fortunate enough to have a job at all. From that perspective, my issues don't seem like such a big deal, and if God was faithful enough to bring such wonderful gifts into my life in the first place, how can I doubt that he will be faithful still?

If you think about it, so much of our ability to trust is based on history. We trust a bank with our money because it has a long reputation of faithful financial service. We trust a babysitter with our children because they come recommended  by other parents who have had positive experiences with them in the past. If someone has been reliable in the past, we assume they will continue to be trustworthy. Likewise, it is those who have let us down previously that we are unlikely to depend on in the future. But that doesn't seem to translate to our trust in God. In all my life, never once (EVER) has God let me down or failed to be faithful. And yet I still find myself struggling to trust that He will continue to be faithful. Instead I assume it's safer to trust myself, although I am far more prone to failure and shortcoming historically speaking. Funny how that works isn't it.

The fact of the matter is, God give good gifts. Now the difference between God's idea of good and our idea of good is a subject for another time and another blog, but the fact remains the same. All that remains is for us to be willing to accept and delight in the gifts He's offering. No strings attached. No hesitation.